Remembering

Today 5 years ago Erny left us.

The nurses had cautioned us that it was just a matter of time.

How long we asked? Weeks, days, hours?

The days blended with the nights.

Sometimes with friends we filled his room with a type of chatty banter, sipping on wine. Remembering. Knowing that this what Erny would have wanted. Believing that he was listening to us, being comforted by all the love filling the space.

The 18th December was just another number on the calendar. Routinely uneventful until the late afternoon when his condition deteriorated.

And it became frighteningly clear that it was now only a matter of hours.

If I left the room to go to the bathroom or grab a drink, the angst was real. Would he still be alive when I returned?

Just after midnight I sat as close to him as I could. I was overwhelmed by the urge to tell him that I loved him. Ich liebe dich I said, again and again.

I whispered that it was ok for him to let go. That we would be ok.

And then with a sickening feeling in my stomach, as time slipped away, panicking that there was not enough time for all the things I still wanted to say, I suddenly just had to know that he had heard me. Babe, I said, do you know that I love you? …..He nodded oh-so slightly. And then he was gone.

That indescribable millisecond when a spirit takes flight.

19 December 2015